I’ve been hesitant to write this one.

Mostly because attraction is one of those things everyone has an opinion on, but no one can really explain.

But it’s been crossing thoughts and conversations lately.

A lot of my friends are finding themselves in relationships, starting to really like someone, or sitting across from me saying some variation of, “I don’t know what it is about him, but…”

And I love that sentence.

Because usually, there is something.

It just isn’t always the obvious thing.

Of course attraction matters. I’m not going to pretend a good smile has never caused several intelligent women to temporarily lose their better judgment.

But being attractive and being attractive to someone are two very different things.

The latter usually has a lot less to do with what you look like.

It starts with confidence.

And I don’t mean arrogance. In fact, I think arrogance is usually confidence’s deeply insecure cousin.

I’m talking about the guy who can walk into a room and carry himself.

He doesn’t need to be the loudest person there. He doesn’t need to know everyone. He isn’t scanning the room every five minutes to see if someone more important walked in.

He can talk to anyone.

Your friends like him. Your parents like him. Somehow, fifteen minutes into dinner, the waiter likes him.

There’s an ease about a guy like that.

He knows who he is without constantly needing the room to confirm it.

That is attractive.

Also attractive?

“I made a reservation for 7:30.”

I don’t know why this works as well as it does.

But for the men, sometimes the hottest thing you can do is simply eliminate a decision from our day.

Then there’s paying attention.

I think this is the one men underestimate the most.

Women remember when you remember.

The coffee order.

The story about her childhood.

The restaurant she pointed at six weeks ago and said, “I’ve always wanted to go there.”

The meeting she was nervous about.

And then Tuesday morning comes and you text, “Good luck today.”

Terrifyingly effective.

Because there’s a difference between hearing someone and noticing them.

Grand gestures are wonderful.

But there is something about the tiny ones.

Anyone can buy flowers.

Remembering something she said once, in passing, when you had absolutely no reason to know it would matter later?

That’ll get you.

Then there’s drive.

This one has always been attractive to me.

Years ago, I dated a guy in New York who worked in investment banking. I’d visit him on weekends, and Saturday morning often still meant opening the laptop and working.

At the same time, he was training for the New York City Marathon.

Which meant he would wake up early, run some distance I considered completely unreasonable, come home, shower, and start working.

Meanwhile, I considered successfully locating coffee in Manhattan a productive Saturday morning.

I remember being fascinated by his discipline.

It wasn’t really about investment banking. And it wasn’t about running a marathon.

It was that he wanted things for himself.

He had goals that existed whether anyone was watching or not.

Over time, I’ve realized that’s what I find attractive about ambition.

You don’t need the impressive job.

You don’t need to run a marathon.

You definitely don’t need to start waking up at 5 a.m. tomorrow because a girl on the internet told you women like drive.

But care about something.

Want to get better at your job. Build something. Train for something. Learn something. Have an idea of where you want your life to go, even if you’re still figuring out exactly how you’re going to get there.

There is something magnetic about someone with momentum.

And on that note,

Have hobbies.

Work. Golf. Podcasts. Running. Tennis. Skiing. Fishing. Cooking. Reading. Music. Cars.

Whatever it is, have something that makes you forget to check your phone.

I actually love when a guy has something he knows an absurd amount about.

Passion is attractive, even when the person listening doesn’t share it.

Maybe especially then.

And I think there’s something else women want that we don’t always say:

We don’t want to be your entire life.

Go see your friends.

Have the guys’ weekend.

Work toward something.

Have stories I wasn’t there for.

I think the best relationships are two people with full lives who keep choosing to make room for each other.

I don’t want to be the reason you have a life.

I want to be one of the best parts of a life you already care about.

Then there are the things that don’t sound particularly exciting on a dating profile.

Kindness.

Manners.

Character.

How do you treat the person who can do absolutely nothing for you?

How do you talk about people when they’re not around?

Do you make the quieter person at dinner feel included?

Can you laugh at yourself?

Can you apologize?

Can you make someone feel comfortable without trying to impress them?

Those things aren’t flashy.

But eventually, they become everything.

And maybe that’s why answering “what do girls look for?” is harder than it sounds.

Because I can give you the list.

Confidence. Drive. Attention to detail. A life of your own. Kindness. The ability to walk into a room and carry yourself.

All of it matters.

But attraction has never been particularly interested in following instructions.

Sometimes the guy who looks perfect on paper does absolutely nothing for you.

And sometimes someone who wasn’t what you pictured becomes the person you can’t stop thinking about.

I think that’s because, eventually, attraction becomes less about what someone has and more about what happens to you when they’re around.

You laugh more.

You notice when they walk into the room.

You want to tell them things first.

You start remembering tiny details about them, too.

Their interests become interesting simply because they’re theirs.

And somewhere along the way, without realizing it, you’ve stopped evaluating them.

You just like them.

So, there you have it.

Be confident. Pay attention. Work hard. Have your own life. Be good to people.

But don’t spend too much time trying to become the guy every girl wants.

I don’t think that guy exists.

Become the kind of man you’re proud to be when no one is watching.

Because when the right person comes along, she won’t fall for the resume, the marathon, the reservation, or the perfectly remembered coffee order.

She’ll fall for all the little things underneath them that tell her who you are.

And maybe that’s the whole point.

The best kind of attraction isn’t finding someone who checks every box.

It’s meeting someone who makes you forget you ever had boxes to check.

One Business Day